Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
