found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
