And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
