She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
