where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
