We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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