How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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