so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
