dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
