I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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