is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
