I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
