seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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