i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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