I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
