Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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