dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just pee around me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You are the jesus of drinking
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
