I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
