Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
