All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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