I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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