Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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