I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You smell like stripper and shame
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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