so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
