Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
