I haven't been this sober since birth.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
