yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
