I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
