I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
