I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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