I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
