How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
