Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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