Just fell off a train. Bad.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
