so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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