you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
