just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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