I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it because I queefed?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
