you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
