she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
