All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
