Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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