He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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