I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
