I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
