I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
