i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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