Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
