On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
