And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
