I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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