I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
