There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
