Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
