guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
