if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
