**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
