The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
