he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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