I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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