If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
