Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
