i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
