My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
