I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
