I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
