Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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