I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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