My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
