Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
